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SEVEN SIGNS OF TRUE REPENTANCE
How
do you work toward reconciliation when you’ve been deeply and perhaps
repeatedly hurt by someone? How can you rebuild trust? The first and
most important step is to confirm the genuineness of the apology or
repentance of the one who hurt you. While it is true that changes to
deeply ingrained patters do not occur overnight, certain
attitudes are essential to authentic repentance and to hope for change.
These attitudes flourish in hearts where God has granted repentance
(see: II Timothy 2:25).
Seven signs of genuine confession and repentance: (essential for enablers)
The offender:
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Accepts full responsibility for his/her actions (instead of saying, ”Since you think I’ve done something wrong…” or “If have done anything to offend you…”).
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Accepts accountability from others.
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Does not continue in the behavior or anything associated with it.
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Does not have a defensive attitude about being in the wrong.
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Does not have a light attitude toward his or her hurtful behavior.
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Does not resent doubts about
his/her sincerity- nor the need to demonstrate sincerity. (Especially in
cases involving repeated offenses)
-
Makes restitution wherever necessary.
Restitution gives the offender
an opportunity to demonstrate by actions that he or she wishes to be
restored to the injured person and to society in general. The harder you
work to make restitution and repair any damage you have caused, the
easier it will be for others to believe your confession and be
reconciled to you. Forgiveness does not necessarily release an offender from responsibility to repair the damages caused by his or her actions.
An injured party may exercise mercy and choose to waive the right to
restitution, but in many cases making restitution is beneficial even for
the offender. Doing so demonstrates
remorse, sincerity, and a new attitude, which can strengthen
reconciliation. At the same time, it serves to establish lessons that
will help the offender avoid similar wrongdoing in the future.
Move forward with caution:
An unrepentant offender will
resent your desire to confirm the genuineness of his confession and
repentance. He may resort to lines of manipulation.
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“I guess you can’t find it in yourself to be forgiving.”
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“You just want to rub it in my face.”
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“I guess I should expect that you want your revenge.”
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“Some Christian you are, I thought Christians believed in love and compassion.”
These lines reveal an
unrepentant attitude. Don’t be manipulated into avoiding the step of
confirming the authenticity of your offender’s confession and
repentance.
Use these signs carefully and
with prayer. In difficult cases, seek a wise counselor. For genuine
reconciliation to occur, you must be as certain as you can of your
offender’s repentance—especially in cases involving repeated offenses. It
is hard to truly restore a broken relationship when the offender is
unclear about his confession and repentance. Even God will not grant
forgiveness to one who is insincere about his confession and repentance.
The person who is unwilling to forsake his sin will not find
forgiveness with God (Proverbs 28:13).
Only God can read hearts —
we must evaluate actions. Jesus said, “By their fruit you will
recognize them” (Matthew 7:16a). We must not be deceived by superficial
appearances of repentance. Clear changes in attitude and behavior are the fruit of true repentance.
Steve Cornell
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