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MOVING FROM FORGIVENESS TO RECONCILIATION
“He said I am sorry but it’s at
least the tenth time! I don’t know what to do. I am told that it’s my
Christian duty to forgive and the Lord knows I’ve tried. But each time I
forgive him, he changes for a little while and then returns to the same
behavior. I have a gut feeling I am handling things the wrong way. He
never really changes and I just get more angry. What should I do?”
Sound familiar? I encounter people all the time who are trying to forgive someone who has repeatedly hurt them.
They know it’s their Christian duty to forgive but often feel they’re
being taken advantage or manipulated. They also have a disturbing sense
that they’re enabling the selfish behavior of their offender.
Is there something wrong with
this picture? Is this what forgiveness requires? Is it possible to
forgive someone while withholding reconciliation from him? There is an
urgent need in the Church to learn the differences between forgiveness
and reconciliation. Forgiveness is always required by God but it does not always lead to reconciliation.
Forgiveness:
Jesus warned that God will not forgive our sins if
we do not forgive those who sin against us (see: Matthew 6:14-15; Mark
11:25). It’s not that we earn God’s forgiveness by forgiving; instead,
God expects forgiven people to forgive (See: Matthew 18:21-35). Yet
forgiveness is very different from reconciliation.
It’s possible to forgive
someone without offering immediate reconciliation. It’s possible for
forgiveness to occur in the context of one’s relationship with God apart
from contact with her offender. Reconciliation is focused on restoring
broken relationships. Different from forgiveness, restoration is a
process and, when trust has been deeply violated, restoration is often a
lengthy process.
Reconciliation:
Reconciliation is a process conditioned on the attitude and actions of an offender.
Restoring a broken relationship is the goal of reconciliation but those
who commit significant and repeated offenses must realize that their
actions affect the timing of the process. If genuinely repentant,
they will accept this fact with brokenness and humility. Of course,
only God can provide the needed strength for embracing the process.
In some cases, even if an
offender confessed his wrong to the one he hurt, and appealed for
forgiveness, the offended person could justifiably say, “I forgive you,
but it might take some time for me to regain trust and restore our
relationship.” The evidence of genuine
forgiveness is personal freedom from a vindictive or vengeful response
(see: Romans 12:17-21), but not always an immediate restoration of
relationship.
Minor offenses:
Forgiveness and reconciliation occur together in relation to minor offenses. In relationships shaped by the gospel, “love covers a multitude of sins” (i.e. offenses)” (I Peter 4:8). Those who withhold restoration over minor offenses are revealing lacking in genuine love based in the gospel (see: Ephesians 4:32-5:1).
Where such love is absent, immaturity and manipulation threaten unity.
Please take time to review the two principles for resolving conflict here.
When deeply or repeatedly
betrayed, however, forgiveness does not necessarily require that one
immediately grant the same level of relationship back to an offender. Even when God forgives our sins, He does not promise to remove all consequences created by our actions.
Yes, being forgiven, restored, and trusted is an amazing experience,
but it’s important for those who hurt others to understand that their
attitude and actions will affect the process of rebuilding trust. Words
alone are not enough to restore trust in such cases.
When a husband speaks harshly
to his wife in a way that is out of character, his acknowledgement of
sinning against her should be received with forgiveness and restoration.
If he repeatedly speaks this way, he should expect his acknowledgements
of wrong to be more difficult to receive. If the pattern continues, his
wife could appropriately tell him that she forgives him but will not
accept his harshness in the future without consequences.
When someone has been
significantly hurt and feels hesitant about restoration with her
offender, it’s both right and wise to look for changes in the offender
before allowing reconciliation to begin. This is especially true when
the offense has been repeated.
The act of forgiveness surrenders the desire for revenge in the context of one’s relationship with the God who said, ““It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” (Romans 12:19).
Forgiveness is first about God. When genuine, the heart of an offended
person should be open to the possibility of reconciliation (unless personal or family safety are clearly at risk). Forgiveness requires us to offer a repentant person an opportunity to demonstrate repentance and to regain trust. When
a person has repeatedly behaved in a sinfully harmful and irresponsible
manner, he must accept the fact that reconciliation will be a slow and
difficult process.
Three main considerations in the timing of a process of reconciliation:
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The attitude of the offender
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The depth of the betrayal
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The pattern of the offense (often repeated offenses)
When an offended party works
toward reconciliation, the first and most important step is to confirm
whether the offender is genuinely repentant (Luke 17:3).
An unrepentant offender will resent a desire to confirm the genuineness
of his confession and repentance. He might even resort to lines of
manipulation.
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“I guess you can’t find it in yourself to be forgiving.”
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“You just want to rub it in my face.”
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“I guess I should expect that you want your revenge.”
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“I am not the only one who does wrong things, you know?”
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“Are you some kind of perfect person looking down on me?”
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“Some Christian you are, I thought Christians believed in love and compassion.”
These lines of manipulation reveal an unrepentant attitude. Don’t
be tricked into into avoiding the step of confirming the authenticity
of your offender’s confession and repentance. Carefully and prayerfully
use the seven signs of true repentance listed below. I highly recommend
seeking the guidance of a wise counselor to help you see things clearly —
(but only one who understands the difference between forgiveness and
reconciliation). Such a counselor can help an injured person establish
boundaries and define steps toward reconciliation that are restorative
rather than retaliatory.
It’s hard to genuinely restore a broken relationship when an offender is unclear about his confession and repentance. You
must be as certain as you can of your offender’s repentance—especially
in cases involving repeated offenses or deep betrayals of trust. Even
God will not grant forgiveness to one who is insincere about his
confession and repentance. The person who is unwilling to forsake his
sin will not find forgiveness with God (Proverbs 28:13).
Of
course, only God can read hearts –– we must evaluate actions. Jesus
said, “By their fruit you will recognize them” (Matthew 7:16a). We must
not allow superficial appearances of repentance to control our
responses. Displays of tears or appearing to be sorry must not become
substitutes for clear changes in attitude and behavior.
Seven signs of genuine repentance:
The offender:
-
Accepts full responsibility for
his or her actions. (Instead of: “Since you think I’ve done something
wrong…” or “If have done anything to offend you…”).
-
Welcomes accountability from others.
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Does not continue in the hurtful behavior or anything associated with it.
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Does not have a defensive attitude about his or her being in the wrong.
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Does not have a light attitude toward his or her hurtful behavior.
-
Does not resent doubts about
his or her sincerity – nor the need to demonstrate sincerity —
especially in cases involving repeated offenses.
-
Makes restitution where necessary.
Thought: “If
we can restore to full and intimate fellowship with ourselves a sinning
and unrepentant brother, we reveal not the depth of our love, but its
shallowness, for we are doing what is not for his highest good.
Forgiveness which by-passes the need for repentance issues not from love
but from sentimentality (John R. W. Stott, Confess Your Sins, p.35).
Ten Guidelines for those hesitant to reconcile:
Those who have been
significantly (and repeatedly) hurt are not wrong for feeling hesitant
about reconciling with their offenders. When your offender is genuinely
repentant, however, it’s important to be open to the possibility of
restoration (unless there is a clear issue of safety involved). Jesus
spoke about reconciliation with a sense of urgency (see Matthew
5:23-24). If you’re hesitant to reconcile, work through the following
ten guidelines with the aid of a wise counselor.
1. Be honest about your motives –
Make sure that your desire is to do what pleases God and not to get
revenge. Settle the matter of forgiveness (as Joseph did) in the context
of your relationship with God. Guidelines for reconciliation should not
be retaliatory.
2. Be humble in your attitude –
Do not let pride ruin everything. Renounce all vengeful attitudes
toward your offender. We are not, for example, to demand that a person
earn our forgiveness. The issue is not earning forgiveness, but working
toward true reconciliation. This demands humility. Those who focus on
retaliation and revenge have allowed self-serving pride to control them.
3. Be prayerful for the one who hurt you –
Jesus taught his disciples to pray for those who mistreat them (Luke
6:28). It is amazing how our attitude toward another person can change
when we pray for him. Pray also for strength to follow through with
reconciliation (see: Hebrews 4:16).
4. Be willing to admit ways you might have contributed to the problem
– “Even if you did not start the dispute, your lack of understanding,
careless words, impatience, or failure to respond in a loving manner may
have aggravated the situation. When this happens, it is easy to behave
as though the other person’s sins more than cancel yours, which leaves
you with a self- righteous attitude that can retard forgiveness (i.e.
relational forgiveness). The best way to overcome this tendency is to
prayerfully examine your role in the conflict and then write down
everything you have done or failed to do that may have been a factor.”
(Ken Sande, The Peacemaker, p. 168). I do not recommend this point to
promote the notion of equal or shared blame for all situations.
5. Be honest with the offender – If you need time to absorb the reality of what was said or done, express this honestly to the one who hurt you. Yet we must not use time as a means of manipulation and punishment.
6. Be objective about your hesitancy – Perhaps you have good reasons for being hesitant to reconcile, but they must be objectively stated. Sometimes, for example, repeated
confessions and offenses of the same nature make it understandably hard
for trust to be rebuilt. This is an objective concern. Clearly define
your reasons for doubting your offender’s sincerity.
7. Be clear about the guidelines for restoration –
Establish clear guidelines for restoration. Requirements like
restitution can be clearly understood. Others include financial
accountability, holding down a job, and putting away substances,
attending counseling, taking medications, etc…
8. Be realistic about the process – Change often requires time and hard work (Philippians 3:12-14).
Periodic failure by an offender does not always indicate an unrepentant
heart. By failure, I am not including behaviors like violence or
relapses into adultery. Behavior patterns typically run in deep
channels. They can hold a powerful grip on a person’s life. A key
indicator for change is the attitude of the offender. While proceeding
with caution, be careful about demanding guarantees from a person who
has truly expressed repentance. If the person stumbles, the process of
loving confrontation, confession, and forgiveness may need to be
repeated. Setbacks and disappointments are often part of the process of
change. Don’t give up too easily on process of reconciliation. Keep the goal of a fully restored relationship open.
9. Be mindful of God’s control –
“No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God
is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are
able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that
you may be able to endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13). “We know that God
works all things together for good for those who love him and are called
according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28). “When you are having a
hard time forgiving someone (i.e. being restored), take time to note how
God may be using that offense for good. Is this an unusual opportunity
to glorify God? How can you serve others and help them grow in their
faith? What sins and weaknesses of yours are being exposed? What
character qualities are you being challenged to exercise? When you
perceive that the person who has wronged you is being used as an
instrument in God’s hand to help you mature, serve others, and glorify
him, it may be easier for you to move ahead with forgiveness (i.e.
restoration)” (Ken Sande,The Peacemaker, p.165;cf. Hebrews 12:7;I Pet.2:23b; 4:19). (Italicized words added).
10. Be alert to Satan’s schemes
– In Ephesians 4:27, the apostle Paul warns about the possibility of
unchecked anger giving Satan an opportunity in our lives. A few verses
later, the Apostle wrote, “Let all
bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from
you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted,
forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love,
just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us, an offering
and a sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 4:29-5:2). Meditate on these words and put them into practice! (See also: II Corinthians 2:14; Hebrews 12:15).
Steve Cornell
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